There's a little voice inside all of us. Sometimes it shouts and sometimes it just whispers but it's a constant influence in our lives whether we believe it or not. Admittedly, I've been questioning mine quite a bit. I've always listened and usually I hear it loud and clear.

I don't know. These days it's been pretty spot on about things. Its trying to tell me something now. It's been quite a couple of days for revelations. Yesterday I had at least 3 or 4 different things thrown at me from various different directions and it's interesting. Life is funny. What do I believe? I don't think I believe much of anything. Nothing is as neatly fixed in place but that is to be expected. The question these days is not so much about the world. I think my own philosophies and beliefs have been called into question because of my change in perspective. Our life views are shaped by our experiences or how we choose to move forward.

I hope you don't mind, dear friend, that I am about to post something you sent to me.

::START OF EXCERPT::
That's what you're on – a hero's quest. Have you ever read Joseph Campbell's A Hero with a Thousand Faces? While it provides insight on the myth of the hero throughout history, the book also turns the reflection inward and makes the reader (at least for me) think about my own quest. Check this out from the book:

"One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes light."

"The hero, whether God or goddess, man or woman, the future in a myth or the dreamer of a dream, discovers and assimilates his opposite (his own unsuspected self) either by swallowing it or by being swallowed. One by one the resistances are being broken. He must put aside his pride, his virtue, beauty, and life, and bow or submit to the absolutely intolerable. Then he finds that he and his opposite are one of not differing species, but one flesh."

Whenever I read your emails or journal entries as of late, that's what I think about what you're going through and that's why I sort of see you as a phoenix. Your core – that thing that makes you Heidi – will always be the same but when you "rise from the ashes" or "come out of the dark" you'll have grown into something more. Does that make sense?

It's funny how you said that you're thinking about maps. I'm part of the support team at the Leadership Summit in Gainesville and our theme is "Management Mapmakers." On the front covers is a compass.

::END EXCERPT::

Wow! It makes more sense than you have any idea. Thanks as always, Bella!

I took my run yesterday. I had a rather crappy day and I had energy to burn and so I took off. I did better than I thought I would after not having run in...a lot longer than I'd be willing to admit without embarassment.

Today I will go further. Still lots to outrun!

It does not rain. It pours. I knew the storm was on its way and I fear its only just begun. It's been such a terrible day. I'm getting racked with these emotional waves from every angle. The world is relentless in its efforts to silence me. Tornado dreams take on a new meaning now. I'm caught in this spiral and there is no good end in sight. So then fuck it and all of you. Bring it on already. Let's get this shit over with. I'm tired of fighting.

Not only are you one of the only people I know other than me who checks this site everyday...you really pegged my mood today. Yes, it is me and as you can see, I posted it. Thanks, B.

Bet you didn't know it's the little things that can make or break a person. It doesn't take much. Little courtesies, that's all. When you're there for someone or many someones it's just nice to think they have your back.

They don't. Not always. It's the little things. Today I choose isolation. That storm I was talking about? I think it's coming. I think it's already begun. If I don't go in I'm going to drown.

I know I've changed because suddenly I love maps. In the past, I think I would have looked at a map only out of necessity and yet the most fun part of reading Adrienne's blog lately has been tracing her course on little maps. Is it utterly nerdy that I sit back and go, "OH! There's that highway. Cool!" It is. Say it. I can take it.

Ah well I admit it. It's not just about charting this course of hers. It's that, in my supreme envy, I want to take to the roads. I have for a while now. The truth is that ever since I went to New Orleans I've felt that I need a chance to take a trip over and do it properly. That was a really funny time for me. Family was crumbling around me and my own sanity began to teeter precariously on the balance. I wasn't myself. I haven't been myself for such a long time that now that I'm coming out of all of that crazy drug induced madness (Well hormone drugs, not DRUG drugs) I'm not who I was even before that happened. That isn't to say I'm not prone to fall into old bad habits. These things take time but the difference is that I have the desire--No--NEED-- for change. I feel it. I feel like I'm standing on another plane and looking over saying. "Wow. There's that out there beyond all this. I want it."

What I don't want is to stay the way things have been. The library is cramping me. My old boss seems to understand. A funny thing happened. I tend to think that people don't know me very well. They know how I am and how I react to things. In many ways I'm predictable and yet not many can tell you WHY I think like I do. I think my boss does. She's one of the only.

Today I was taking my first break in the sad little break room at the library. I sat there alone taking notes for my class when Melissa came and sat next to me. We chatted a little and without my saying so she seemed to pick up on my issue. Children's is driving me crazy. She said she totally understood where I was coming from and why didn't I consider switching departments? It's time for me to move on. 4 years I've been in the library and working in Children's. 4 years and its no wonder that I'm ready to move on. Things have become monotonous.

Another funny thought came to me today. I've really been enjoying the time I spend alone studying. Sometimes I feel so stupid. I realize I have this incredible thirst for knowledge and I've been starving it. I want to fill my head with knowledge. I studied my ass off the other day and it paid off. A perfect score! Now I realize I wont be able to settle for less. Why should I? Anyone can make 100 and so I know I can. Skills! I want skills. I haven't done or tried anything and suddenly I want to try and do ANYTHING.

People usually go through this when they've come close to death. Is it possible that when I said I died before I really did? I am beginning to really think so.


So what do I do? Boy have my priorities changed. YES I have to get out of some hallacious debt but instead of spending my hard earned cash on shoes and movies I have been saving up a small chunk. Each paycheck is yielding a small percentage of a great big fund I'm creating. Travel money. It's true. I had some saved up back in the earlier part of this year but things happened and I didn't go where I meant to. Then I had to pay the bills. Now I'm starting over. It's more important for me now to experience than to acquire. I've printed out a handful of mapquest routes I could embark on sometime soon. Still, I look to the passenger's side of my car and wish....*sigh*

FACT: I could actually board a plane tomorrow and not have a panic attack. O.O I don't know what happened.

On a completely UNrelated note- I have an observation which I'm sure has not gone unnoticed by many.
Men spit an awful lot. I'm not necessarily turned off by spitting but I do find it a bit curious. I occaisionally have to spit. We all do. Saliva is a fact of life. But do men have an OVERproduction of this? Men seem to have to do this a lot. Lois and I were commenting on this. "Are they just juicier or something!?" That's a Lois comment but I had to laugh. I did wonder. Guys! Speak up! Without having anything to chew at all, what makes you all spit so much!?

Every morning when I come to work, the same people greet me in the same way. 
"Good morning. How are you today?"
I always answer, of course but it dawns on me that I don't often ask THEM how they are doing. It's just an exchange of pleasantries but the truth is--I don't really care. The people I DO care about, I can usually tell how they're doing already. Does this make me the biggest asshole on the planet? 
In my mind, I use entirely too many words as it is.  Let's call it thrift. 

Take me away. Somebody, PLEASE! Hah!
I'm just feeling so caged these days. I've been doing everything to get out of routines but it's hard because, basically, life can become something of a routine. Up, exercise, shower for work, eat, work. Blah blah blah. Even work has it's pattern. It's so monotonous.

It's Monday and Mondays' are always unpleasant. (As are Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday-- ESPECIALLY Saturday.) It's not only that but I didn't sleep well at all last night. I should have because I was very tired but I had so many dreams.

Lately I'M the one dreaming of tornados. Ironic. I think I've developed a slight fear of them, when they didn't really enter into my mind so much before. I'm not terrified but now the thought does elicit a small shudder. It's like this....
We were in Chicago, for some reason. Mom and dad and my brother and Adrienne was there somewhere. She was in a back room or something. We were on one of those tall buildings and I kept noting how hazy it all looked. You could barely see the cars below because the haze was thickening into a fog. In a wierd moment it came into the house and fog filled everything. It was rising fast, though. I thought it odd but not scary. I walkedo out to the balcony to see how the city looked. To my surprise ther was a good bit of blue in the sky. High in the blue, though, were dark thick clouds. I thought. "Oh. So that's where the fog went." ALL of a sudden, the cloud quickly dipped and swirled a small part of it and in an instant a long thin tornado formed. I ran back inside shouting, "TORNADO! TORNADO!" The stairwell would be the safest place, I figured. NO one would move. Mom made a move as if she might finish cooking quickly but no. She didn't move. Dad kept watching TV and my brother just didn't even act like he heard me. Adrienne was STILL no where to be seen. "TORNADO!" And that was it. I awoke then.
See that's just one of the many odd dreams I've been having lately. It's not exactly a horrible nightmare when retold but in the moment it all feels very real and its a little scary. More so, though, disturbing. Why the hell am I having tornado dreams?

I guess I just have a lot going on in my head. There's so much I want but can't have right now. Its like every aspect of my life feels that way. Grrrrrrr! Well anyway...Nothing of it, I suppose. I'll continue to work hard.

I will say that chris and I took off on a mini (VERY) mini adventure.


I've had it with Pensacola. Not that there's anything WRONG with it exactly. Simply, I tire of seeing myself here. I need to go out and do and see things. Especially looking at Adrienne's incredible journey. And my cousin is out backpacking around Peru and I'm filled with envy. Feels like they're living and the rest of us are going through the motions. I know that we have to make the most of what we have. I agree with that. All the same --GAH-- Pensacola feels like such a prison when seeing the wonder of everything else.

So we took off in the middle of the day on a whim. Let's go see what's around here. We ended up in a couple of podunk places outside of Mobile AL. $$$ is always such a hassel. Spanish Ft. I had no idea Loxley was so close, actually. We took a cup of coffee out there and then just drove around the scenic areas. We took the scenic route instead of the highway on the way home--AGAIN simply because we wanted to exist in a different place for a while.

What we found was a whole lot of the same but its okay. Its same I hadn't really seen before. There were a couple of funny little shops. 'Floppers Oyster House' FLOPPERS doesn't whet the appetite. Sounds pretty nasty, especially when paired with oysters. There was another small shack with a sign that boasted 'THISELDO: ANTIQUE STUFF' I can't tell you how hick that is. If the name weren't bad enough, they can't just say antiques?! Antique Stuff. Nice! There was another restaurant called 'Public Buffet.' Sounds so soup kitcheny! And of course, the one tiny building called the 'spear hunting museum.' We're going to have to go back and check that one out because I can't imagine you could say much about that in our area. Then again, there is a lot of indian influence in this part of the south. Still, it's a very small building. If we're lucky they'll have -- a spear.


Anyway, I'm going to get a move on with things. I'm feeling disgruntled and unhappy and I can't shake the 'bad' feeling I've had for days. Is it bad that I'm waiting for the world to crash in around me? I don't think it's anything that big but something's still amiss. GRRR!

Hope you're all alive and well.

I forgot to mention this:
Last Tuesday I had to drive to the Century branch for a pirate program for the library there. We then drove back and did the same program for Westside.

It was fairly simple. There were stories and games and a craft to do. Nothing of note or worth mention except this.


I dressed in my old pirate costume with the rather beat up looking brown hat which was modeled after Johnny Depp's. While preparing for the show I can hear kids talking "Look! It's Jack Sparrow's hat! It's Jack Sparrow!" I'm thinking "Good! Sharp kids. Know their stuff." One kid then says, "Which?" "The BOY!"

Boy? ME? I had no idea I could pass for a boy. Chris has told me before that I'm built like one but I didn't think it was so much so that people would confuse my gender, costume or not. Whoa. Reality check.

A book fell on my head this morning and so I think I will take the hint and read it, finally. I have it on good authority that I will adore it and that I pretty much suck for not doing this before now.
I've started working on my resume. I want to have this thing sort of ready-made so I can polish it up as I go along. Restlessness is really taking hold of me and I'm so ready to get out of this town.
Travel. If I don't take even a short trip soon I think I'm going to explode.

Marking stuff in the classifieds, though I haven't quite gotten desperate enough to earn my forklift operating license. Give me another month and I may be first in line.

Keeping much more careful track of my spending. I'm sick of owing money. I've been balancing my checkbook but I did a couple of really stupid things with that. Apparently, I've skipped checks here and there. What in the hell?! I can't even count now?

Tomorrow I begin my training regime. 20 minutes. The goal is to run for 20 minutes without stopping. The classic training is this. You walk. Walk vigorously but walk and whatever of those 20 minutes that you can run straight, do it. 30 seconds? No big. Do it. next time aim for 40 seconds. I'm exaggerating here but that's the idea. The end goal is no walking, obviously but you have to let yourself build up to that. It's been a while but its time now. The little running and exercise I've done feels so good.

More studying. I'm basking in the afterglow of my 100 but now, of course, I shant settle for less than that. I've been bitten by some bug lately. I have always settled for just enough but the truth is, if others are capable of PERFECT then so am I. So now, no less than perfect. I can and will.

Awareness. I'm trying to be more aware of my surroundings...the people in my life...and how what I do affects them. The more aware I become of this, I think the better company I can be for all those who know and love me. My parents have had a handful with me. It isn't fair. I'm trying to return the favor. How can I take care of them? I'm working on it.

There's plenty more but those are just a few of the things on my TO DO list. I'm working up a list of other things I want to do.

Kick depression in the ass!

4 am is an ungodly hour. Driving at 4 am is next to torture, not to mention a serious lapse in judgement. Everything you see is cloaked in the illusion of being viewed through something like a lava lamp- Sort of warped and undullating. Still, promises are promises. I keep them!

Fact: Coffee helps
Fact: Decaf doesn't count. (Woops)
Fiction: I have excellent depth perception at 4am.
Fiction: I can gauge speed with precision at 4am.

I seldom have this happen but those of you who are not mornig people know well the feeling of your eyes being open but your body not quite having caught up yet. It's in auto-pilot and yet your limbs feel heavy. Speech comes with great effort. Not fun.

Another gorgeous sky had me thinking on the drive home. I have that funny feeling again and as I listened to my music and tried not to let it lull me into a trance, I thought of a lot of things. A certain song came on and I cried. I couldn't even begin to tell you why.

In any case, it's back to bed for a bit for me. I'm so very very tired x.x

Word of advice, kids. Driving at four AM? Well, to quote a very wise musician.
"It's not fun. Don't do it."
And I too, 'regret it, in fact.'

Or I would were it not for how gorgeous the earth is when everyone is still and quiet. I seem to have acquired a taste for the dark.

Jerri calls me every morning as she gets off of work. Jerri is one of the best friends I've ever had. She and I were musing today that she and I have been friends longer than we haven't. I didn't realize it. We met in 2nd grade. It really puts things into perspective when you think of it that way.

Honestly, I don't know how we've managed to remain friends all of these years. How in the world did she ever put up with me? I was not an easy kid to have as a friend. Jerri admits this is true. She also admitted something else.

She and her mother worked out a secret code. When she'd had enough of me, she would get on the phone to her mother and utter this phrase. Her mom would then know it was time to rescue her daughter.

Wow. I'm not surprised, necessarily. I had the advantage of speaking spanish whenever I didn't want my friends to know what mom and I were saying but to have this whole evacuation plan worked out. I mean- Wow!

I understand how she survived our friendship.

Here is the jist of the conversation Ross and I had last night.

Scenerio: An alien or supernatural being of some sort comes to you and makes you an offer. This is your choice. You can go to live in their world with the person that you love and live happily ever after so long as you give up this world and this life and all else you know in it. No more pain. No more trouble. You would be magically whisked away to this utopian paradise. The price is letting go of all else. That or you can take your chances here.

Ross would agree in a heartbeat. I would not.

Living that sort of life would be a dream! The problem is that I do not wish to live in a dream. I'm a realist. Pain is a necessary evil in this world. It's cliche to say that we learn and grow from it but it is the truth. Without the negative things in life, the meaning of all positive is negated. How do you define something when you have no opposite terms? It would be nothing. Furthermore, as much as one would wish to meld themselves to another human being, it is not beneficial or remotely healthy. You must retain a sense of self in all relationships no matter how connected you may be to this person. To negate your own life for the sake of another is quite an extreme and it is unrealistic.
I understand the inclination to want to disappear somewhere with the person you love. You want time to be suspended so you can drink them in entirely. But I want to live. Being suspended is good for a time but real progress and growth and appreciation of your life and sharing it with someone IS a forward motion.
There are a lot of things I would do for the person I love but one must be wary of the monkey paw effect. Be mindful of what you wish for because you might get it.

We spoke a good deal on the Nazca Lines in Peru. The boy is intrigued with the year 2012 as is the rest of the world. The jury's still out on that one. Those crazy-Creepy Mayans. I keep this debate filed away with the whole Abraham Lincoln and Kennedy parallels and of course Nostrodamus. AS I hear more about this, I'm sure I'll be able to formulate a more solid view on the whole thing. For now, I must claim blissful semi-ignorance.

In completely wacky and unrelated news, today's little excursion yielded more than coffee. Since it was so ridiculously early and virtually NOTHING was open, Ross and I ventured to the local Krispy Kreme.

The first incident:
I'll make no pretensions about my ability to park. I'm generally good. Sometimes, I can't park at all. This morning I was right on the line to my left. I didn't even notice it. I WOULDN'T have at all were it not for the very annoying thing that happened. This sassy little blonde in an SUV pulls up in the space RIGHT next to me. She left about a foot between the cars. Now, I'm no longer a whale but I'm surely more solid than that! HOW did she expect me to get out of the car? Furthermore, was it necessary to pick the one space immediately to my left when an entire lot of spaces lay there waiting to be claimed?
Hostility. Hostility and aggression is what I get from this woman. It was an unnecessary slap in the face and as I stood behind her in her little baby blue velvety jog suit I so wanted to shove my foot up her ass. It's just that she didn't have one. Her butt looked like chicklets.

The Second Incident:
A man in a pristinely pressed jet black suit and tie saunters into the parkinglot. He reeks of money and is apparently very proud of this. His shoes are shinier than shoes should ever be allowed. He's well into his 50's, I'm sure. He's got that sort of barrel chest and ridiculously coifed hair. Not once did he take off his sunglasses and he had the audacity to chew gum with a fury that made me want to slap it right out of his smug little mouth. In his company was an asian woman in a frilly summer dress of teal. She wasn't really cute but she was younger. As he stood there looking over the donuts, he kind of touched her now and again. It wasn't in the affectionate way that people do naturally without thinking. He was posturing. It was so annoying. Obviously they've not been together that long. His car wasn't that spectacular, I must note. It was an Xterra. Wow. Big deal. Big money.

The Third Incident:
For no reason at all Ross and I decided to go to Walgreens...or CVS, hell if I can remember which one it was. I felt the urge to look at really cheap toys. I got my wish. It's an ailse full of utterly useless crap. There are gems among them, of course. There's an alarm clock with a picture of quite possibly the ugliest orange cat in a cowboy hat and bandana. It moews. There were slightly larger than palm sized electric guitars that played variations of the same riff over and over and over again, complete with the same cheap voice over. BAD.

The winner, though, had to be this one:





Ah! If only I could find the cover to the one they had at the shop. There are these little rows of pills on the front and the picture is a HAPPY dinosaur flying through the air. NEXT to it is an even happier big round pink pill. (Very School House Rocks style)
Ross looks at this thing and just blurts out in a laugh, "What the hell are THESE, suppositories?!"-- Which shouldn't have been funny, only it really was. We got to giggling over the stupid things. He suggested what might happen if someone DID try to use one that way. You'd be shitting dinosaurs. Again, it shouldn't have been as funny as it was but it really was. I kept giggling. This illicites creative (Or not so creative) names like '
Shittasauraus rex', Craposaurus or for the not quite dissolved shell of the pill 'Megasoreass' (It's been done, I know.) It was just so absurd and funny. I think the winning touch is the picture on the cover. They're so euphoric it's slightly disturbing.

I've made it my mission now to track down a proper picture for you guys.
In other news, thanks Becca! You really shouldn't have but, yes,it did arrive. So really thank you!

That's all I've got for now, folks. Till the next thought!

I'll have to write more today after my little coffee date. I can't really think straight until I've had my daily placebo. (Decaf or half-caff is really only a placebo) All the same there are some things I wanted to put out there.

I looked up at the moon last night and was awestruck by its beauty. I don't know if it was officially a full moon or not but it was very close and very bright. Once again it was a cloudless and perfect sky. Somehow, though, it felt sad. Even alongside Venus, I couldn't help but think that all of its brightness was being missed by everyone and it was oddly lonely.

Talk about projecting.

Ross and I had a very interesting talk last night. I'll post more on that but I really do want to be more awake for that one. Meanwhile, I'll talk about a couple of other things.

Trips! Travel is a common theme these days. Obviously we know Miss Adrienne is out and crossing half this country. My niece is going back to Orlando and my sister leaves for Peru today. September 30th I'm going to Atlanta but before then I'd love to go to New Orleans or some place else. I feel like I wouldn't mind breathing different air.

Still, trips! They're great fun but there can also be stretches (Particularly on I-10) that are absolutely dull as tombs. You can only see so many pines before you realize you might vomit a little bit if it keeps up for much longer. I get angry at their dull colors and scraggly trunks.
So what does one do? Jerri and I used to go on car trips alot and we had games we played in the car to pass the dull hours away.

COUNT THE DIRTY SIGNS! There's a place called Cafe Risque' near Orlando. The signs for this place stretch on for miles and miles. I'm talking 50 or so! We always counted them to see how many of these ridiculous billboards we could find. Couldn't miss them. They were bright hot pink. Yeow!

FUNNY ALPHABET: We looked for city names to complete the alphabet. That or store names. SOMETIMES we challenged ourselves and tried to find the weirdest names to fill it in. For example. You MIGHT pass a place called Atmore but that would never count because it's boring. Instead, we held out for Attanaqueewaguh....Which doesn't exist. But if it did, we'd wait for it.
If you have someone in the car with you, you can just play the alphabet game with them. For every letter you have to find a word be it an animal, a body part etc. You can do it with anything. Bella and I did this one and got very annoyed witht he body part one.

SCAVENGER PHOTO SHOOT:
Just what it sounds. You give someone a list of things they have to find while on their trip and they take pictures of it. The more creative the better. A few ideas we had were...

-A funny name of a town or street...etc

-A gorgeous sunset

-Someone in a totally WRONG outfit

-Cloud formation resembling something else

-Something very out of place. Those damn folding chairs that are left roadside, for example!

-Wish you were here. Some place you see and you wish your snugglebunny was with you? Or anyone for that matter. SNAP! Take the shot.

-Wish you were here instead of me. Find a real shithole? Take a picture!

You could go on and on with this but that's the idea. There were other things that dealt with innitials that related to music. If you see a word with E and V put in Evanescence, for example. (Back then it wold have been the Cranberries.) Or simple things like stopping in a beautiful spot and taking a 5 minute time out to enjoy it. Drive a stretch with the windows down. SING LOUD LOUD LOUD!!!! And sing for yourself! For someone! To everyone.


Anyway, those are just some ideas and now I fear Ross is going to read this and regret ever getting those tickets to Atlanta. Yes, babe, it's gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooooooong 5 drive.

Honestly? Going to new places never really bores me. I find that I stare out the window at everything. I love sightseeing. <-- Isn't that a stupid word? Sightseeing. It's like saying Smell-smelling. Stupid as hell.

Coffee and my pal await. I shall return! Till then, enjoy this. My new prescription for life.

It surprised me to find that when asked what my favorite color was, I said, "Green." My favorite color was always red when I was a child. As an adult there was a shift into the blue hues. I have always been fond of dark blues. Today I realize my favorite color is a vibrant green. Funny how these things change. I hadn't even noticed.

I've taken up wearing shorts again. This doesn't sound like news to anyone unless you happen to know me. I've always had an aversion to shorts or more accurately, to my legs. I still hate my legs but the summer heat is relentless and board shorts are so rad. I've got several pairs now and it's impossible to go back to pants on non-work day. I feel liberated. The world will simply have to deal with my marble whiteness until it wears off.

A funny thought occured to me. Adrienne has gone off on her trip today and will be driving cross country to meet her father for the first time. She said she intends to sleep in the trunk of her car. It sounds like it should be crazy and yet, it isn't. It's one of the most real things she's done for herself ever and I'm glad she's doing it. I'll fret a little because there ARE crazies out there but I've been informed that she is armed and I already know how dangerous. More power to you.

The funny thought is this: Can you imagine filming an episode of Cribs? It's basically a tour of her car. "Yeah, this is where the magic happens. This is where I sleep." There are these funky elaborate shots of the trunk of her car. "This here's my life saver. Good for changing tires and pillowing my head. Its my car jack. Dude! Check it out. These are my jams. Got my steroe system. With this little 40 dollar plug in, I can hear my itunes over the radio. This is how I roll!" Cranks up car. "The whole place rolls. I'm slick like that, Yo! kay! Peace out y'all!" The sound of car brakes squeakin as she drives off into the distance.


Course it could be worse. Could be me. "So check it out. This is my house but its messy so lets check out mom's pad." J/K

Why isn't it time to go home yet?!

I got up at the usual asscrack of dawn, did my exercises, showered, and then drove out to get gas. Got myself a cheap cup of coffee. REALLY cheap. It's ghastly. It only cost 25cents kind of ghastly. It might be a good day.

I dream a lot lately. They all seem to have very obvious meaning. With the state of affairs as they are, sex dreams are torture. Had more than a share of those lately along with other odd dreams about extreme weather conditions.

I dreamed a Zebra came and sat on my face last night.

I'm not even going to TRY to pick that one apart.




Zebra butt on my face.

*shakes head*




On Right -> Me.

PS. Its a little disturbing that searching for a zebra butt can yield so many results. I'm talking -banquets- of butt.

Today I have to drive an hour out of town to go dress up like a pirate.

I have nothing more to say about that.

I meant to mention this before because as I read this, it struck me as extremely odd. On Saturday my horoscope said that if I was to run across a spider that day, to make a wish on it. Specifically, pick it up and throw it over your shoulder. WHAT?! Then it got very specific about the kind of spider or what it was doing. If it was on a thread going down do this. If it was over somewhere else do that. If its white, make a wish fast before it vanishes. Cause it would be intense.

1- I don't really believe in horoscopes no matter how eerily accurate they have been lately. IT makes no sense that on this earth every Cappy is having the same kind of day. Please!

2-I'm terrified of spiders. They are the LAST thing I want to see. FARTHEST thing from a good luck sign in my book. If you want to see me shriek like a monkey with its ass on fire then show me a spider.

Nonetheless

Saturday is poured rain and I went to the movies in the later afternoon with my friends. Walking towards the theater Chris says, "Hey! Check out this guy. he's waterlogged." ANd yes, it was a spider. There on the pavement, trying to wade its way out of a puddle was this spider. It was about the size of something between a nickel and a quarter. It was white! So my natural response is to grab a small stick and precede to try and get this guy onto it so I can CAREFULLY flip him over my shoulder. Logical, right?
I actually couldn't remember if I was supposed to do that with the white kind. Flip him? Wish on him? What did the instructions say? Stupid brain. I couldn't tell. Plus he was kind of OFF white so I just did whatever came to mind to be safe.
The damn thing had me chasing him up the steps and people must have thought I was retarded there under my HUGE umbrella squatting and chasing something completely unseen. (Atleast by them.)

Coming to think of it, I guess it -was- pretty retarded. Can I be really -this- desperate to believe in something -ANYTHING- that I would actually try something as insane as that?

Yes. Apparently.

Behind a curtain somewhere...something I cannot see is happening. This is the something I was referring to about saturday. I don't know what it is but I know something was set in motion and whatever it is that is happening is not to my benefit. What could it mean?

I had fitfull dreams last night. I dreamed of things carnal. I awoke with a fevered longing and I realized how I so wish to be touched again. I've never been comfortable in my skin. IT goes back to years and years of feeling self concious about my weight. It was something I was working on. I need human touch. I need to -feel- something again. Intimacy. Not just the sexual part though that is certainly a front runner at this time. TMI, I know. I can't help it. I'm wracked with this sense of loss today.

Do you know, my sister told me that its been a while since she'd thought I seemed happy. My niece had asked her what was wrong. I don't think I run around with a long face and I even asked her that. She said that isn't true. I still seem mostly okay but that, and I quote 'my light's gone out.'
And you know, that made me feel like crying. I actually choke up feeling right now because its' so exact. It's precisely how I feel. I think I used to be bright. I'm not mourning myself. Not exactly. I don't know.


I have GOT to shed this life. I feel like I'm being held back. I'm ready to run! Things just wont let me.
It's monday and I hate work.I LOATHE it these days. It's a prison. I feel like I'm trying to spread my wings to fly and the tiny box I've been shoved into will not give me the room I need.

When will this thing reveal itself to me....or....AM I just losing it? @_@ I don't know.

For no reason whatsoever a few things popped into my mind. Do you know that I love to watch people sleep? Just to see the rise and fall of their chest and to hear the slow measured breaths. It's so touching somehow.





The other day when I drove home alone, I mentioned I rolled down the window and let the warm air into the car. I turned up the music and tried to...well I didn't know what at the time. It hit me the next day when I was talking to Ross.
I wanted to feel something other than me. Lately I'm drawn to things that I wouldn't normally be drawn to because, I think, I hate anything I can associate with myself right now. I don't mean that in the way that it sounds. Only that it simply doesn't feel like me. I don't feel like myself. Not like how I have been for a while. I know I've changed. Its probably not noticable and yet,apparently I have no light. That's such a bleak statement. Candle in the wind comes to mind. Me cupping my hands around a feeble flame that is barely clinging to this candle.
Alot of things like that have caught my attention for some reason. The little heart that I picked up. Yesterday walking out of a store I saw a bird flopped on its back and batting its wings in a futile attempt to right itself. It had been slammed by a car. This woman picked it up in her hands and took it to her car. I was so touched. So many things in this world are so fragile and in need of care. I know people like that.

For no reason at all I remembered a quote from a movie. It's a movie I saw ONCE and so I have no idea why I would remember this but I did. I looked it up and was surprised to see it came from this film. I'm going to share this with you.



Chris Nielsen: Is that a kind of occupational hazard of soul mates ? One's not much without the other ?

And this one.
Chris Nielsen: I need Annie.
Albert: That'll change in time.
Chris Nielsen: Oh, come on Einstein ! Time's not on my watch anymore. Time does not exist here. And wherever it went, it's not going to make me need Annie any less.


Its odd that a random quote from a movie I've only seen ONCE should pop into my mind. I didn't even remember where I heard it. Imagine my surprise.
Ah well. I have a case of the Mondays.

Give me something to believe in...Something other than me.