There are many things for which I can say that I am thankful. I've had a privileged life to this point. I could say that I'm grateful for my health and family and friends and all of that.

Still, I think that this past year has shown me a good deal of something else. Not just with myself but for some of my near and dear. And I think this is a rather good summary of all of those things I love most. Hopes and dreams and love and all of those.

Second chances. This year I am most grateful for the second chances we sometimes are lucky enough to get. Sometimes, we get 3rd and 4th and 5th chances. THEN we know we are truly blessed. But why wait for that? I say, get it right. Just get it right and therein you will show your gratitude.

I love you. All of you. Thanks for all that you are to me.

Through a crowd of 10 million faces, you see through to me.
Against the hazy blur of motion, my outline stands sharp and still.
I am strong and sure. All else fades into the background. I dance in the light.
My laughter carries in the air and warms your heart. My smile is contagious.
In me you find that even in this strange world, you have found your home for you
have made it in me. I catch your eye. My arms are open wide. You can imagine no place you'd rather be. You don't want to imagine it. It is enough to know this.
You take my hand. You take me anywhere. It is enough.

Could this ever not be a lie? Whose eyes can see? I am invisible.

/this borders on strange
I desperately need to change
myself
dissect the pieces that don't fit
cut off my right hand -don't. quit.
look inside
to understand it better.

It will bleed just like me
plant the seed just like me
doubt
everything's a question
nothing's certain ever anymore
No more happy evermore
Mirrors no longer reflect light
simply highlight every defect

Tegan and Sara It Was Midnight Lyrics:

It was midnight
Your hand was in mine
All eyes were on our table
It was after noon before
you were out of bed and I
was able to concentrate
To figure out a plan to keep you here,
To evaluate..
To make a list, a list to convince you

Don't run away;
It only fuels the flames..
don't pull away;
It only makes me wanna stay..

It was monday
You were packing on my floor
My eyes were charting
every move you made
It was early evening
before you were home and
[ Find more Lyrics on www.mp3lyrics.org/NPpD ]
I was sure you were safe
I can't concentrate
I try so hard to plan to keep you here
I can't evaluate
I threw away the list to convince you

Don't run away;
It only fuels the flames..
don't pull away;
It only makes me wanna stay..
don't run away;
It only fuels the flames..
don't pull away;
It only makes me wanna stay..
Gone..gone..gone..gone...

Don't run away;
It only fuels the flames..
don't pull away;
It only makes me want to stay..
(it was midnight)
don't run away;
It only fuels the flames..
(it was midnight)
don't pull away;
It only makes me want to stay.

Sometimes I cut myself. It's senseless. It's self loathing but there it is. I do it. Not all the time. But every once in a while when I am feeling particularly helpless and frantic..well....
I did it this morning.
I wish I could explain it better than saying 'sometimes I just don't know what else to do' but there you have it. There are times when I feel that I simply wont be better until something is destroyed. Until the raging frustration and fear are torn out of me or violently thrown across the room. But breaking things is stupid. It scares me to think I can be so upset. Sometimes, when I scratch at my arm with something sharp it serves as a dual purpose. I get my extreme measure of relief and at the same time, the bleeding brings me back to my senses because it hurts....and then I can go and put alcohol on it so I don't give myself some kind of horrid infection. Yes Thats the way my mind works. I go from desperation to hypochondria in 30 seconds flat.
Why am I writing this? What does it accomplish except to lend credence to the feelings that I'm crazy or damaged. Who, in their right mind can think this way? I sit there crying and utterly hating myself for the things that come out of my mouth and I watch this scratch suddenly ooze blood and I think to myself 'Well....what did that accomplish? What is the point?' Sometimes when I feel this low, I feel that at least I can take it out on myself which is really the source of the problem anyway. I punish myself for,....well whatever. Because sometimes I hate myself. Because sometimes it almost feels like there are two of me living here. There's the me that acts out and cries and storms and rages and cuts herself and the me that is standing back going, "Oh but this isn't right. This isn't normal. This isn't even who you really are." And that one is also scared because she sees the potential for what she can be and knows that there is another way....But sometimes she can't be reached for commentary. Sometimes she simply has to let the storm blow over before she looks down at the blood on her hands and says, "You idiot."
I'm Lady MacBeth. I am my own worst enemy because I stand by and watch myself do and say things that hurt me. This is me at my worst. Yeah, I've thought about killing myself. There have been days that I can see no other way out.....and yet......
Maybe not. I always say 'But not yet.' I don't think that it's suicide that I want. I don't want to die. What I want is not to live as if my spirit is slowly dying. I don't want to live without hope. I don't want to live without love. I don't want to live without LIVING.
I don't want to put myself down. I promised that I wouldn't do this anymore. But it's not just that. Maybe, like running, I can go to bed at night knowing that I didn't slip into that dark place and do it again. Not just because I promised you (You know who you are) but because this just isn't me anymore. This just CAN'T be me.
I am going to stop cutting myself. That CERTAINLY isn't the right hobby.

Running. Its the one thing that I do that makes me feel like I've done anything. I don't love it, really. Sometimes, I like the way it feels. Sometimes I like the feel of the energy coursing through me, my ipod blasting music through my ears. I become one with the sound and my heart beats in time. My legs move of their own accord. But it is not who I am. In fact, I run because it is who I am not. I am no one. I do nothing. Running is something. Furthermore, I never complete a task. I have never finished anything I started. Any passion is quickly abandoned and I feel disinterested and a little aimless which really is something of a status quo for me. Restless and aimless. Every day that I step into my running shoes and hit the road, it is one more day that I can say I have set out to do something and followed through. It is one more day that I can go to bed without feeling completely disgusted with myself.

I am no one. I am a collection of positive and negative traits held together by a shell of flesh, blood and bone but there is nothing cohesive to hold it in place. I don't know what keeps me together. Over the past year I have become a creature that I could hardly recognize even while staring it face to face in the mirror. I had a dream. I had plans. But really, did I? What did I really dream when I still could? I have no notion of this new being that inhabits my skin. These thoughts and feelings are alien to me. Though in many ways a vast improvement, this new version of myself is not easily satisfied. She's always left wanting. She's always unsure and scared. That is life. Nothing in life is certain.

But that's not enough, you see. Sure, there are few people who go home at night and say to themselves. "Well done. You are a doctor." Or "Be proud. You are a teacher....a painter...." "Good job writing that poem." "A most excellent sudoku!" People don't think that way, thank god. How narcissistic are we? Yet, I envy all of the above. These are things that are a purpose or a passion. It is something someone can mark and be proud of or at the very least say that YES! They have done it. I understand this is disjointed and I'll blame my faulty wiring in my head for this. I'm getting at the idea that I have no passion. I have nothing to occupy my mind or body. So, while I sit here clueless and wondering what to with myself for the rest of my life, I realize that I've not the slightest idea what to even do with myself for a DAY. That isn't right. It isn't normal. I need a hobby.

I lived in a world of romantic ideals once. All would work itself out in the future. I had the most beautiful girl in the world. I never had ever even believed it to be possible to find that kind of happiness, given my inability to commit to anything. Yet there it was. All you need is love! Love....love is all you need.

But no. Love is NOT all you need. In fact, when love is all you have, you are likely to end up quite heart and head sick. It's maddening. It can make a beautiful emotion into something dark and dangerous and exausting. Why am I never satisfied? Why do I always yearn for more? Why do I not trust? Because....Because I have always been such a person. I have ALWAYS doubted. I have never believed and finally when I did, something snapped. And now I have become a monster. I have become a girl who is consumed by emotion. The world around her has come to a screeching halt and it is all because I realize that if I was nothing before all of this but happy in the company of one who could accept it until I figured it out....Well, when she turned away....I was simply left to my nothingness. She is certainly not to blame for that. Even now as we look at this for what it is and slowly reconstruct whatever sort of bond that has not been abolished, I ask myself---How have you become so consumed with this? I believe this to be an honest and pure love but at the same time....I am a sick and warped individual. I have to direct my attention to other things as well. In turn, one hand washes the other. It would help because I hear the words the come from my mouth and I often find myself suffocating. I don't like who I've become.

This is my admission to myself. I know I'm not right but I believe what I feel, at heart, is. I believe my intensions are honest and true. Balance. I must find it. They must coexist. They must reconcile. I am a thing of emotion and no substance and that can't do.
And so I keep searching. I keep doing what I CAN do. I keep running.

I hear music in my head. I wish that I could translate all that you are about to read into its musical form which is how I dreamed it up originally. Short of humming a few bars for you, that remains an impossibility for me right now. It looks as though you'll be left with lyrics and your imagination. For now.


I made these two very rough-cut pieces yesterday. They surely need polish and TLC but nevertheless here they are in original form.

THE FALL

(Chorus)
The repurcussions coming

Oh no oh no oh no

I feel I'm slowly falling

So slow so slow so slow

I take this burden on me

My soul my soul my soul

But even as I say this

I just can't let you go

(Alternate: I just wont let you go)


(Verses)
Through this complicated game we play

We are the chips.Fall and lay as we may.

I think I heard you laughing somewhere

In the darkened room at night where I stood

There waiting for my chance to show you

At attention. When's my turn?

　

Doesn't matter. Didn't matter then either.

Win or lose I can see no end. It guess its neither.

Who's out there tossing dice with our lives?

If I chance, I wont chance- but for this one last go with you

Here I go. .

Cover up my bruises so they wont show. You can't know.

That's what I'd go through.

And no you can't take all this blame for keeps

I've taken more than my share to make room for

The silence that's needed so just plot out your next move

and then

From where I'm rooted to this spot. Watching waiting

Can't see or move my feet. Still, limbo's close to ecxtasy

When I am floating here with you as company

And even when the tide turns and I'm left to nobody

I can't say I didn't see. I can't say I didn't see.


~The chorus came to me first and the rest sort of fell in thereafter.~




NOT A DAYDREAM

I've turned this over in my mind 1000 times

Still no sense can come from all this worry

If I squint into the sun through the window

Will the truth reflect back into my mind's eyes?


Illuminating pathways


I wonder if you can still can still hear my heart beating

I wonder when my strength will give way to surrender

an admission of this long lost war

No language can explain why you don't want me anymore

　

Burried deep within my skin you've burned your mark

Impressed upon me a condition I can't will away

You're here to stay with me, contradicting all you feel

What's real? Pondering and wandering in search a

Head trip for which you've saved up all your miles.

But for an instant, could you get lost in a smile?


Look to me. I say Don't shy from broken glass.

Whatever it may be that's shared between us

I'd give my all to make it last.

SAINTHOOD:

Wow. I really like to think of this as Tegan and Sara's 'Sgt. Pepper' type album. It really seems to me like a bridge between one evolution of their sound to another. There is a good deal of experimentation on this album. It's good, though. It's like we're getting this little sample of an unfinished product but it's still refreshingly genuine and good. This album is much more technical than emotive and yet I think you will find a good bit more 'balls out' lyrics, if you get my meaning. Sara in particular is generously bearing more of her innermost thoughts and feelings. She's allowing us to have just a little teensy taste of her vulnerability as where Tegan, as usual, is belting it out from the heart only....you know...more professionally. They sound both more polished and more distant in a way. Without the acoustic sound that has prevailed in previous albums, one can't help but feel a type of detachment from the music. IT's not as rough around the edges and therefore just a little notch above what they've put out in the past. Really, I think it's just another facet of their amazing talent. They are versatile and I think they are starting to see that, though they've made their name with a certain kind of sound, their ideas are starting to grow out of that little box and exploring different avenues.
Let's have a look at this album track by track, shall we? THIS is my INITIAL interpretation of these songs. Over time, I'll revisit and offer my opinions. Sainthood is definitely one to be absorbed before you can fully appreciate it.

ARROW- A very Sara song, I must say. She is endlessly talking about deconstruction. A 'straight and narrow look' at her. She sees things with such a critical eye and I think she expects that others do the same. There is a tension in this song that builds and builds and yet never gives way to release. So what we have is a very uncomfortable tension running through the song. Funny, arrows and tension seem to go hand in hand. Also, I really dig on this industrial cranking sound in the background. I am no musician and I'm sure my musician friends would laugh, point and correct me offering the real word to describe this sound. Whatever it is, it really adds to the machine plugging forward feel of this track. The only thing that really distracts me is that this song clearly borrows from ANOTHER Tegan and Sara song. 'Feel it in My Bones.' 'Can't control think about it feel it in my bones' 'I take my aim so you feel me coming close' listen to these two back to back and you will see what I mean. I know they have more ideas than this! The sound is unmistakably similar.

DON'T RUSH- This song has good energy. The chorus, especially, makes me think of some new wave type bands from the 80s'. Actually, as my dear Adrienne pointed out, a lot of this album borrows from the 80's. Listen to the drum beats and the background vocals. Many of Tegan's songs are taking on a more rock sound. It's an interesting progression. It's not that drums and guitars played aggressively make for rock. It's the arangement of these instruments. The vocal arangement too. Again, this song has energy! Don't Rush actually does sound pretty urgent, in particular when she hits the high notes. I love it, though. There's a real yearning that comes across with the tension here. More and more tension but this song delivers more of a climax than Arrow. Both work.

HELL- Bouncy, catchy and trademark Tegan concert hit served up here. I have to admit that I would be disappointed if there wasn't a hyper song to jump up and down to at the concerts. Hop a Plane? Speak Slow? HELL! Tegan's really been working on chalking her songs full of fast, punchy lyrics too. Someone said that it seems like she just keeps trying to cram a lot of words into her songs. I can see the point they are making but admittedly, it works. This song is alive and you cannot hold still when it comes on. It's on my RUN mix right now. It's rock, like Hop a Plane but it's FUN. "Up and over it and over them!' You want to sing along and dance and belt it out like a lunatic. What the hell is it about music that does that to a person? I would say, excellent composition, banging instruments and a singer who can put her heart and soul into it without overdoing it. Beautiful!

ON DIRECTING- Sara's got a great one here. I think we're getting a real look into Sara's more vulnerable side here and in one of the later tracks. I've always had this idea that she's got a critical way of looking at the world. Here, we're seeing an admission that she can lose control when someone catches her eye. In that sense, they're taking control away from her. She's full of these self doubts too. If you look so closely will you REALLY like what you see? She hopes....This person is directing her now. The drum beats in this song are great and I love how the song builds up to the earnest 'Go steady with me?' Its almost like you can hear her own heart beating along with the excitement and tension. And when she gets to the overlapping 'I lose my grip/I lose my focus' you can't help but imagine when a person's own heart skips a beat. She's a flutter and it works like a charm.

RED BELT- Deep. Here is this deconstruction and self doubt that Sara likes to sing about. Notice that so many songs are talking about slowing down and not rushing and yet the whole album has a real underlying tension and feeling of forward momentum? She's trying to constrict herself. This song is interesting witht he use of electronics. It almost reminds me of those old video games. Like, Game Boy. 'Kneel to condition all the feelings that you feel.' Sara seems to be struggling with guilt and denying herself things as a form of masochistic behavior. Why does she feel as if she needs to be restrained? Interesting. Great song!

THE CURE- Cheeky. Tegan titles this song which REALLY OBVIOUSLY borrows it's sound (particularly the bass part) form the band by the same name. I'd go as far as to say she sings in a lower voice to keep this little homage up. The thing is, it WORKS! This song is super solid. It's so well constructed and composed. All about this song is expertly done. The lyrics and the way it builds and comes back down. For all that tension, this is another one that finally brings you to the point of breaking and then right back down into a more relaxed finish. I love this song. It's most definitely one of my favorites. I would say this could pass for a more mainstream song. I am not normally one to say that is necessarily a good thing but with this track, for sure. It's interesting because I find that Tegan these days is much more centered as a person and her music is starting to reflect that. Watch interviews now and those from back in the So Jealous days. Difference? Could it be that she's finally coming to understand herself better? Maybe she's just happy. Whatever it is, Tegan seems much more focused and relaxed and her music has the same effect. She's getting better at what she does.

NORTHSHORE- PUNK! Tegan's, once again, getting aggressive with her lyrics and her musical compositions. I could easily see this with just a bit more edge to really give it that punk feel. Tegan's holding back this real rock and roll aspect of herself but I think little by little we're going to see more of this as she starts to break out of her own mold. I think of this as Tegan's little rebellious streak coming through in this song. Again, like everything else in this album the ENERGY of this song is amazing. AGAIN, the drums and the guitars really really work great with the vocals. They are arranged perfectly. Pay particular attention to the background vocals at the end. Genius.

NIGHT WATCH- Wow. The spooky sci-fi music is very dreamlike but juxtaposed over the 'static' sound in the background it creates a very uncomfortable sensation. It's very effective. There is a lot of music used for the background here. Samples of things that sound like dying music boxes and whatnot. It's like a death of innocence. Sara is definitely putting her issues out there for the world to see. I've a suspicion this song is not so much about the divorce of her parents as it is about her approach to relationships since then. She distances herself from others in a form of sabotage. Somehow she doesn't feel very worthy of true affection. OR perhaps that is one of those irrational fears that comes from so many who have lived through a divorce. Somehow you feel that you take this guilt upon yourself and project it onto your person. Sabotage yourself so as not to get hurt for real. Punish yourself for you are not worthy. It's strange. This whole song is an odd
manipulation. The bass sounds like a stalking criminal and I think that criminal is Sara.

ALLIGATOR- I want to keep saying 'Over you over you--ooo!' This song is catchy. Once again, I think we're hearing one of these 'The Con' type confessions about how to vi for attention. No I wont do this. No I wont do that. Truthfully, I think this whole song is a lie. Obviously! Alligator tears. As much as she says she wont cry 'over you over you' but the truth is, she's not 'over you' at all.

PAPERBACK HEAD - Oy. This one is going to take some getting used to. IT's really not one of my favorite songs from Tegan and Sara period. If the idea is to talk about the sort of sacrifices one must make to sell themselves as a product-- the whole FAME SUCKS thing-- Well...I dunno. I get it but it's been done and I get it but I just don't really get into this song as much as the rest. I guess this must be Sara's rebellion.

THE OCEAN-AH! I'm in LOVE with this song. Okay, I said before that Tegan's ROCK roots were showing and this song is a perfect example of that. Listen to the chorus 'I know what I want and what I want is right here with YOU.' With more aggressive arangements from the guitar and drums, this could be transformed into a regular old power rock ballad. Imagine Lita Ford belting this out. It's like, Tegan's timidly dipping her toe into some really potentially powerful rock territory. The music kind of holds her back (As A brilliantly observed as well!) Still, it works. This isn't to say that the musical accompaniment isn't effective. I think that it IS effective. I'm just distracted by the Lita Ford that's crying to come out. But wait, Lita doesn't cry. BELT IT TEGAN! I know it's in you.

SENTIMENTAL TUNE- This song's begging to be used in an indy film. I keep picturing a movie like 500 Days of Summer and this in there as a great little number about remembering the day you met so and so,...It's whimsical and sweet. I want to run to this song too. It's got a great beat. This is optimistic, peppy and full of happy fun energy that I find rather addictive. "Unnerved...the nerve.....you're nervous.....Nervous that I'm right! OOH! I just want to bounce around to this one too." Well done Sara. I'm not depressed right now. *lol* (I kid. I love her and all of her introspection, metaphors and pessimism.)

SOMEDAY- This may very well be one of my absolute favorite Tegan and Sara songs EVER. Tegan calls everyone to Arms and yet this song is littered as much self doubt as it is hope and passion. There's a real hunger 'Mark my words I might be something some day.' It's like a real anthem to those who are mediocre or lost or a little aimless. Like....an anthem for me. I really have adopted this as my theme song. She's got so much spark in her and yet...where does it go? Listen to the organ music. Funny that organ music is used in graduations and churches or funerals. In other words...for momentous occasions. Apparently this declaration of Tegan's is worthy of this organ music and yet....her repetition makes one think of a broken record. Is this a promise being made now or one that we are looking back on in retrospect. Is this the voice of someone moving forward or the famous words of someone who's come and gone and done -something- that will be remembered? Whatever the case, the weird musical arrangement reminds me of the Beatle's Tomorrow Never Knows. That strange distant dreamy and trippy feel to it. Obviously this song isn't as trippy as THAT one but it has a similar effect.

Funny how it comes back to the Beatles. Over all, I sound say SAINTHOOD is definitely a pivotal album. So much energy and tension run through this. This album has a hulking undercurrent of change and forward momentum. They are going somewhere. Tegan and Sara are onto their next evolution and they let us hear them on this pitstop along the way until from that stepping stone, they move onto their next complete evolution. Anything could happen from here but for sure I would love to see a marriage of these new sounds with their old and see what the next album sounds like from them. It promises to be great stuff. This album is definitely one to listen to over and over again until it seeps into your blood and you can really absorb it's true meaning to appreciate the genius of it. I intend to do just that.

So far gone. I can't reach her.
She can't get far enough away from me.
What is it that makes her want to get so far away from me in the first place?
I want to help.

She hurts and it's agony for me. My hands are tied and I'm being forced to stand back and go about my business as if I shouldn't care or as if caring should be a spectator's sport. I dn't know how to do that.

But I do care. I worry. I fret.

I want to be good. I want to be what you need, even if it's 'absent.'

But my heart wont grow still. My mind wont go quiet. I can't just put myself to bed knowing that just around the bend, you're suffering somewhere and yet somehow....somehow my presence makes it worse. I can't do a thing for you. I'm the last thing that will help.

I can do nothing but honor the wishes you have made so clear.

These are the last words before I fall into silence.

Be strong. You are loved and cherished.
Always.
Never forgotten.
Heart held gently in the palm of a hand.

I had an interesting thing happen online yesterday. I sort of lurk on a few live journal communities and sort of drift in and out every now and again. I don't spend enough time online to really be an active presence of any kind. As you all know, I've taken to using my journal as a tool for venting my frustrations and grievances or just making observations.

Still, I noticed that several people in the Tegan and Sara community had posted some links to the leaked copy of then new album that comes out this week. I don't know. Call me old school but that's always been kind of a thing of respect for me. Having friends in the biz who are none to crazy about that, I felt that it was doing my fav band wrong. It was disappointing to me to think that people who love their music so much would take advantage of such an opportunistic thing. I don't know. In my circle of friends in this kind of work, it's just not such a cool thing to do.

So I wrote a post about it and put it on the forum.

Apparently, that's not something you're supposed to do. While I never expected everyone to agree with me on this matter....what I did not expect was such a vicious onslaught of hostility. I can understand and respect that someone will not share my point of view. I think of myself as an open minded person who is, if nothing else, willing to hear the other side out. I don't have to agree but I do feel everyone deserves a chance to voice their opinion regardless. So....perhaps I projected these values onto others and that's not exactly fair either.

It just got ugly. I'm not offended by the commentary. Most of the insults and curse words and cute little pictures in the spirit of 'fuck you go to hell bitch' are pretty baseless. They more or less discredit themselves when they resort to such infantile behavior (Though I have to admit some of the shennanigans had me laughing out loud because it IS funny! It's just so far out there that it had me going 'HAHA WHAT?!') I didn't insult them. I never once attacked these people personally for having downloaded the album. Simply said that I disagreed with the practice and that I felt it was just not a cool thing for a fan to do.

I suppose that can come across as preachy, at most but....really?

I've been called a dumbfuck and told that my parents must be so proud of me (Cause they have so much to do with Tegan and Sara's album leak.) and all I can think is....do you really want to bring it down to that level?

TO BE FAIR

There were some who simply put in their two cents about the issue and made their points about why they disagreed with me and didn't have to get ugly about it. I appreciate that and I can respect it. They had something to say. I had one person message me personally to say that they agreed and another to say that she didn't agree with my point of view but that she agreed less with the way they were all treating me which I thought was tremendous.

In the end...why am I writing this journal entry? Because I'm just intrigued by online netiquette. I always thought forums were something like a sounding board in which you could put your opinion on a topic of interest shared with people. You can offer insightful commentary or information and every now and then say 'Dude! This is really great.' Or 'No, this is a bad thing that happened here.'
What I'm seeing now is that you can't run against the pack. You risk being accused of trolling but that's not really it at all, is it?

The debate is a legitimate topic of discussion. It's just, you can't disagree strongly without pissing someone off. There's no room for debate. It's just a bloodbath. But I did find it an entertaining study in human behavior. Mob mentality can be a terrifying thing.

In the end, what does it matter? Will I take off? Will I leave? Will I answer to every awful commentary left in my mailbox? No, of course not. I'll still be there. I'll reply to anything relevant. If someone really wants to ask me something, absolutely. Otherwise, I'll just let it all run its course. They'll carry on with or without me. ^_^

No ill will here.


:::If you're curious, I've the link here.
http://community.livejournal.com/tegan_n_sara/1598772.html
Comment if you like. I'd love your insight!:::

october is slipping away and so fuck you all

I'm in poor spirits. If you are affected by that, please just stop reading. Don't judge me. This is one of my few outlets. If you do choose to read, take it and then move along as if you hadn't. These are my passing thoughts....

Have I lost my mind?

I wonder this often. Nights can be devastatingly lonely with no warm thoughts to wrap one's heart in. I fall asleep during the day and then very quickly at night only to dream constantly and wake up so frequently that sleep isn't worth it.

I'm not rested and really who could be with this mind attacking me at all hours of the night.

I'm not going to make it. I will never survive this thing.

What is in my head? What is in my heart? It's getting harder and harder to tell them apart.
But everything inside of me tells me to fight this situation cause it doesn't feel right.

Either I have gone horribly wrong or life has.

I wish.....

I wish that I could open myself up so you could see inside. This is not a little thing. This is not a matter of perspective. Admit that I have the shittiest end of the stick in this. The hurt is real. The struggle is real. And if it turns out that all of my feelings are true,it will have been worth it. However, if it turns out that I've been chasing shadows....That I am caught in a hallucination concocted by my own fevered mind then I give it all up.

There's a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and explored and it can go to hell. It means NOTHING without the thing I love most. I wont fucking go to the mailbox if I have to be this zombie.
Reanimated in death. I wont live that way.
I'm not this strong. You all give me too much credit. I'm running out of steam here. And No, please. Don't say it. I wont take medicine. I wont walk around with a false sense of pill induced happiness. I'd rather feel real pain than false happiness. And besides this is not some chemical imbalance.

What I'm suffering from doesn't have that kind of cure. It's NORMAL to feel this way, damn it. Why wouldn't someone be this way?

Don't judge. Don't pity. Understand me because I don't. I'm so lost and so confused.

Why does everything come between us? Me and that -thing-? It keeps shoving me back. I can almost touch it. Just let me have what I want!

THis thing has made me into something even I can't recognize at times. Am I a monster? A hideously warped and disturbed reincarnation of a former being- one that no longer exists? My brain is scrambled. My feelings are heightened. I think and feel and speak too much.

I'm broken. The world needs to start making sense again. These feelings need to give me more than this. I need a clue. I need to know why and what this is all about. I can't stand it. Why am I the only one in shadows? I'm the one on the outside looking in. It's cold out here. I can't do it.

I wont live without.

I've never been like this before. You have to believe me. I need my whole self. I need my soul.
Does that mean anything at all? I don't know who I'm hearing. My mind and heart are mutinous.

I have lost so much more than my mind

I want an imaginary friend. A special someone to call my own. She'd have eyes only for me and a heart that beat my name with every breath. She would never think twice about a stranger. She would know the good in me even at my worst. She would know how to make me laugh and just what to say or how to hold me when I cry. She would be the most clever and worldly of people with a keen eye, sharp tongue and trained ear. Oh the music we could make. She'd think I was funny too and despite being not at blind to my shortcomings and dorkiness....she would adore me all of the same. My imaginary friend would know when to knock me on my ass and also when to lend a hand back up. She'd be all I needed to help see me for what I am.


Since I don't believe....it'd be nice to pretend a while. Disguise myself as a happy and loved person. Oh to be truly cherished again.

In my imagination, she and I could rule this world together and take any place for our own. No matter what came, we'd stand shoulder to shoulder, smiling and daring the world to try us! JUST TRY US! Together we can do it all. Thank god we found each other. Meant to be. Kismet.

In my imagination, promises would be kept. Dreams would come true. Forever would remain untouched and untainted. It would remain -forever.-

Oh the possibilities. My friend. My imaginary friend and I would have it all because all that matters is each other. Everything else could fall away into hell for all we cared. And even if WE fell, we'd fall together so really. What else could anyone want?

It sounds wonderful. I long for this. I want it and I can taste it on my tongue. I barely brush it with my fingertips and then it hits me. Cold cocks me square in the face so that I can barely stand from the reeling of it.

I want something real. I can't have an imaginary friend. It has to be real. And then I realize....I don't want perfection. I don't want someone who can be all of these amazing things all at once. I want something real. I want to put my arms around it and hold it fast. No. I want it to hold me. I want it to hold fast to me. And so then if this reality is hell and I've already fallen....this very real person can hold me and it wont be so bad. It wont be bad at all because we'll be together. And sure, sometimes that will be hell in itself. People have a way of beating each other down. Still. It's worth it. One dose of something real and true is worth a million dreams of possibility. I'd trade it all for something real.

I want something real. I know you're there. Wont you please hold me?

Before you speak think about what you're trying to say.
Who else is there to blame for miscommunication?
You're getting caught up in the excitement.
You making promises you can’t keep.
You need to leave all your options open.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
They fall apart so easily.

Never going to win. I can't compete with this mythical creature of epic proportions. Efforts are wasted when the victor needs not raise a finger to secure defeat. Once just BEING was enough but that's not the case. I can't just be when I don't know who the FUCK I am anyway.

I am the one who wont make a difference. I am the one whose path leads in circles.
Edward Scissorhands.

I reach for you. I cut you over and over and over. I reach for my face. I cut it over and over and over.

Hold too tightly and I kill you.

I can't touch anything with my love. I can't control it. I have to be contained.

My words, like blades, slash at hope, sever reason, gouge at affection and dismember it.
I can hold nothing in my palms or I will squeeze life's breath out of it.


I am too much.

Even this will have been too much.

4 sides. No windows. No doors. No cracks or crevices. Solid armor. Like you I need this too.But I cannot. I am a paper tiger. Illusionary and fragile If only I could put these things inside...
It's going to take more than hope. I really need a miracle.

Please someone...something. Please.

At the point of breathlessness and near exhaustion, that surge of energy is restored. You can go on twice as strong for longer.
I've experienced it. Right when things start to get tough, i fall into a rhythmn while running or biking. You're moving forward with the drum of your own heart and the pumping of the blood surging through your veins.

Things look black right now. Bleak and exhausting. I've got to try.
I'm going to try. This wont be how the story ends. There's a way and we will find it.

Come on, Second wind. I'm counting on you.

Today marks the first day of fall. (Today at 5:18pm today, to be exact.) I've always loved the fall. It was always my favorite season. The weather turns cool and the air is crisper- Fresher, somehow. The leaves change in other places. There's very little more impressive and beautiful than fall leaves...not that you can see any of them in FL. We have pines up the wazoo.
I always looked to the Fall season as a new beginning. You would think that Spring would inspire those feelings but not for me. Perhaps it is because I associated fall with the start of a new school year. I don't know. Either way, Fall has always been to me a time I look to with optimism.

Not this year. There's something off about this time of year. I've been dreading it all summer. There's been something lingering here. Something that presses down upon me and makes itself known.Perhaps Fall does bring about the change I was feeling but I know....I feel it in my bones....this season's going to be the end of me. Something's going to give. Something's going to change and it isn't going to be good.

Meanwhile....I'll go through the motions like everyone else. Work. Run. Eat. Sleep. Work. Run. Eat. Sleep. Until...



Regardless, I'm going to try to celebrate. I'm going to try and woo it and maybe I can convince it to be my friend again.

Sometimes I drive late at night. While driving or running off my troubles, I tend to fall into a deep trance with the aid of music. This is especially true of running. The sounds drone in your ears and drown out the outside world. Your heart and legs pump in time to the rythmn. A machine.

Driving the other night, I felt at one of my low points and I happened to catch the song I had blasting, more conciously. It felt perfect for my dark mood. It was brooding and epic in it's own understated way. Forboding and acceptance all at once. This was the song and I find now that it IS rather appropriate. I like it very much.

Ayria
Flicker
Lovely Day
I've been listening to this song for hours
And my head aches but that doesn't stop me
It keeps repeating and now my eyes burn
They have turned red
And I do this to myself
I should get out
But there is nowhere to go on a Tuesday night
This restless feeling
There is no cure for
So I wait

It's a lovely day
To never feel this way again
And will I ever find
Someone who understands my mind?
I don't think so
It's just a sea of faces and vacant stares
And they will never be in this place again

I have your number
But I won't call it
I fear rejection more than being alone
I'm almost nauseous
Maybe I'm dying?
Over dramatic, but that's what happens
[ Ayria Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
When you have too much time to think about the end
The lights look blurry now
And the cars pass by me on an energetic street
That I have no part of

It's a lovely day
To never feel this way again
And will I ever find
Someone who understands my mind?
I don't think so
It's just a sea of faces and vacant stares
And they will never be in this place again

I will wait for you to find me
But I know you never will
I will seek to you to save me
But I know you never will
I will try to regain passion
But I'm faltering
I will try to overcome this
But I'm overwhelmed again

Lovely day
Feel this way
Lovely place
Never feel this way

I feel a change on the wind and not a good kind. I don't like where this is going. I don't like this feeling.

For no reason at all, my thoughts went back to this

My love for you is

bigger than 1 bear
taller than 2 giraffes
larger than 3 blue whales.
loftier than 10 lovebirds.
and so on and so on.

Sometimes it almost feels like...

I hope I am wrong.