I dreamed that I died. It was like the end of Gladiator. I was walking through the woods, the sun playing off the autumn leaves. The air was crisp and it smelled of the coming winter. Yet, I could feel the sun's warmth on my face as I strode to the top of the hill where a handsome cabin awaited me. I felt a pang. I knew I would be here alone for a very long time unable to do more than to watch those I left behind--the living--- and wishing so much that I was still a part of their world. I could watch anyone from there and I wondered if wanting to so much would be a mistake in the end. Wouldn't I miss them more? Still. the prospect of NOT seeing them seemed far worse...
And so I walked my way to the cabin, a quiet resignation about me and the birds sang their welcome.

I fucking hate sundays

Or I may as well have. Another sleepless night. This one has been torture, I swear. I was WORN OUT! I was so sleepy but my nerves would not allow me to fall into a complete sleep. Instead, I was subjected to more crazy dreams and equally crazy cats running amok in my room. SOMEONE didn't close the door. ;.;

But the cats were behaving strangely. They weren't just play fighting. They were clawing at the wall. They were jumping up and scratching towards the ceiling. I don't know what they were trying to do. BOTH of them. I woke up just about every hour on the hour. I woke up for the second night around 324...which always puts me on edge. At some point I know I dreamed about the cats too because they came out of a portal behind my map and I thought -- Oh so they slip through that time rift which is why sometimes I can't hear them...What are they up to back there? Is that why they were clawing the walls?

Well obviously the answer to tht is no. The answer to that is...I conked out wondering what the fuck my cats were doing and my strange, sleep deprived mind came up with an answer--however unbelievable.

I feel a growing sense of danger, which is typical right about that time which is right around the corner for me....but even so....I do feel a certain something in the air that scares me. Like an animal before a storm, I can sense SOMETHING looming on the horizon.

If only I knew what it was. Maybe then I could sleep? Maybe not.

I saw a beautiful red-winged black bird this morning. He was a solitary little creature. He didn't behave like the other birds by the feeder. He wasn't by the feeder at all. He was calmly staring by a window. I was struck by his serenity.

To be haunted by one's dreams seems almost too cliche to be true but, alas, that has been my problem for a while now. It's typical of someone with anxiety or pressures in their life to have them manifest in their dreams....but....


How does one know it isn't the other way around? How do you know that your dreams, troubled though they may be, may be bizarrely insistent because they are desperately trying to tell you something? What if all signs point to danger and so then the tension is a result of the dreams and what they represent...not the other way around.


Crazy talk, right? It sounds insane. Not so much. My dreams have been spot on before. They're eerie in their accuracy. My gut feelings are never wrong. Count on it.

Lately it seems that I'm either -not- sleeping and so I'm restless in the wee hours of the morning which is not at ALL fun. I feel so alone and so trapped within my home and within the walls that house my mind and spirit. It's to the point that I feel unable to breathe because the next breath that leaves me ought to be a scream....but I've tried that and it doesn't work either. It's hard to explain, this desperation. All I know is that when I am there in the middle of the night....all I can think is that I can't possibly stay where I am. I have to get the hell out. I have to get relief. So I get in my car and drive. I drive around at 3 am and realize I'm STILL not going anywhere. (Sound familiar? Haven't I menitoned this before?) Its my life right now. I'm too aware of being stuck in second gear. Yet, I feel apathy. I could fix certain things in my life but what would it matter? I could have the most perfect job in the world and money and I oculd live in a house on the side of a mountain. I wouldn't be happy. Ah well!

So then I tire out. I pass out early and slip into a deep sleep---or it starts out that way. What ends up happening is tht I dream all night. ALL night.

Last night I had some pretty twisted dreams. A couple weren't so terrible, though the idea of accidentally crapping my pants is not really what I'd call a sweet dream. c.C;
Last night I dreamed of tornadoes. I was driving with Adrienne and she caught sight of a tornado in the sky. We were at a crossroads. Our options were to turn left or right . Left was our turn off for home. I said, "Turn! Go go go!" She said, "NO! IT's going that way. Let's go THIS way!" We turned right and then, for SOME reason, got out of the car and took off running. I was following her lead though even in the dream I thought that didn't sound like a terrific idea. As we were running around to get away from this twister, we kept warning people we came across (Or at least, I did.) Somewhere along the lines, the twister changed directions and came at us. I could see it looming over the cityscape. I panicked. I panicked all the more when I took off running with Adrienne, hand in hand, and somehow, somewhere she lost her grip and was pulled away by the tornado. I made a dash towards her I tried to reach for her hand again. Two or three times I caught her hand but the wind was too strong and inevitably, she was yanked and jerked away from me by the terrible storm.

I stared and tried to devise a plan. What if I let it take me too? Could I grab her again and protect her somehow? I wasn't sure that was a good idea either. Maybe ducking and looking for her after it passed? All I could think of was the time....If I wait, the more chance something happens. The more dangerous this could become. This debating lasted really just a fraction of a second or two. I wasn't thinking this for ages. It was almost immediate...losing her and waking.

It sucked. I awoke shaken and with a racing heart as if I'd actually been chasing storms.


Anyway, despite that I'm mostly in a blase' mood. Not dead yet, you know.

And ten I awoke.

I'm starting to get to that point again. Nothing seems to be worth any bother. I don't want this. Fuck you.

Yesterday was a very good day for me. Things went well and I had a pretty good time. That's a beautiful and rare thing for a sunday but I was in good company so that requires no more explanation.
There's just one thing that put a damper on it and it didn't ruin my day. Still, knowing this proves to me that rough waters lie ahead. *sighs* Carpe Diem, I suppose.

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I'm half convinced there really is. I cannot get a grip on things. It seems that my life has become an emotional quagmire in which the slightest movement results in slipping further into the sands. I would now welcome apathy with open arms. How wonderful it would be to not care.

Nunca imagine que encontraria un amor tan appasionado y tan fuerte como este. Nunca imagine que me lo robarian. Nunca imagine querer morir por el, pero al fin....


I feel so homesick. x.x

please i need some relief

o/~ Promise to take me to before you went away, if only for a day o/~


I often wonder why I -am- still alive. It sounds worse than it is. IT's just, I can't get it together. At this point, I'm supposed to have a clue, I know it. I've been coddled my whole life. I am a Lily Bart in the making. Am I on my slow descent? Sometimes it seems that I'll never come back up to where I was, even when it's not so bad. I have no purpose. If I were to go tomorrow, outside of the people who know me, it would be of little or no consequence in the greater scheme of things. I have a life and I don't know what to do with it. I haven't been gifted a special skill or talent. I'm a mediocre girl. Average. I could be anyone so really, if I'm gone there's another one just like me somewhere. Kind of like having a pet. They aren't really going to DO anything in a person's life but you love them and want them around. I know there would be people in this world to mourn my passing but then what? The only thing distinguishing me from a pet is that my body wont fit in a shoe box.


Anyway, its just a thought. I want my old life back. Who was that happy,confident dreamer of a girl? How can she be so different from me?

Everything is missing

It is with a sense of great dread that I face today.

I've never liked working on saturday at the library. It seems the day drags on endlessly which is strage because, in truth, it is a full hour shorter than my usual work day. I suppose that without the usual one hour of front office work to break things up a bit, it just blends into an impressionist's vision of SUCK. But things aren't even normal right now. The library has been lethal lately. The levels of drama and backstabbing have reached toxic proportions. You just really can't trust anyone these days. No one ever approaches you directly either. The tactic seems to be to take note of things and then jump three steps and go straight to a higher up to lodge a complaint. Very much like Edina, you found you've broken laws without even knowing it.
Oh well! You would think that I would care with as much as I complain. I don't care that I'm in the hotseat for the sake of my reputation. I care because now I will be watched like a hawk and I find it annoying. Maybe I don't WANT to be a model employee!

Today makes me uneasy because it feels -ok- so far but I also feel that weird out of joint sensation I get when the other shoe is about to drop....Honestly why does it even matter at this point?


I know I sound very fatalistic. I know I'm coming across as a 'Nagative Nancy.' I have many blessings worth counting. I don't deny that. Hell, there are people in this country who would give anything to have a job they even hate just so they could put dinner on the table. I get that. Its not easy to keep things in perspective sometimes.

A funny thing happened to me yesterday. I was on my way to Starbucks with Adrienne and we were halfway listening to the radio and chatting. That Jason Maraz song came on the radio and I was sort of drifting along with it. I was thinking about how it's so overplayed and yet it is exactly the kind of catchy song people seem to love, what with it's psuedo tropical sound and upbeat rhythm that makes one bounce along with it. 'I'm yoooouuuuurs' How many couples have listened to this and playfully sang the lyrics to each other? 'I'm yours!'

Then it hits me...

I remember something. I remember how, once, I knew what that meant and how it felt. To be completely devoted to one person and to have that person return those feelings. It's indescribable like most things that are too beautiful for words. So it dawns on me. As wonderful as things have been with Adrienne as she has stayed here, that has been the missing piece that I didn't even realize was missing. Like a recovering amnesiac, these vague memories begin to take a more solid shape and more vivid colors. Once, I knew how it felt to be everything to someone. I knew what it felt like to make a home in their heart. And they carved out a home in mine as well. I forgot I once felt like this. I KNEW what that was like. Such security and comfort. There is such a sense of belonging. Really! What else could possibly matter in this world when you have something so true? You really can face everything. I tried to hold onto that feeling a moment longer. Like a tiny ember from a once blazing fire, it can only last for so long.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be liked. I'm not waiting here for someone to come rescue me or any such nonsense. That would be ridiculous. Besides it doesn't work that way. Apparently I mate for life.

It just made me sad because in that instant, even though she was literally inches from me in this vehicle, I'd never felt farther from her than those two seconds in which this dawned on me. I've never wanted my old life back more than then. Being replaced in the heart of the person whom you could NEVER think to replace in your own heart is such a harsh reality.

I'm such a little stray. I swear I had a home once!

BUUUUUT PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME

We're very close. We've come quite a long way to get where we are right now. Its not perfect and I don't think it ever will be that. But it's good enough for what we're facing. There is genuine love and caring mutually in its own way. I don't doubt that. I've never learned more than I have in this past year. I count myself lucky that, in our bizarre convoluted story, we've had a chance to face each other after the 'War', so to speak, and rebuild on something...ANYTHING! We have something and even if I couldn't tell you what that something is, I would die for it.
So please, It's not as if today I feel the world is ending. Today, BELIEVE IT OR NOT feels okay right now. I know I will work all day. I know I will come home and eat and piddle about with something inconsequential. I'll dream about a new job and I'll eagerly wait for Adrienne to get off work so I can have my 5 minutes of 'HI HOW WAS YOUR DAY' and a hug.
It'll be around midnight but I can wait for that because it is the most REAL part of my day and it always helps me sleep a little easier. Just to know that right now she's still here always makes me breathe a little easier.

For now, that's gotta be enough. For now, that IS a reason to smile. Plus, she can't go anywhere until I manage to out swim the little mermaid.

Anyway, there's a pile of shredded cabbage begging to be fashioned into some kind of lunch and with 30 minutes to go before the work bell tolls.

Well,
Till the next thought!

I'm lost. SO incredibly lost.

You often read about stories like this in the news where someone's elderly aunt or grandma is struck with dementia and they wander aimlessly for days. They disappear into a forest somewhere and turn up 10 days later on a highway in California with one shoe and dehydration and wondering 'How did I get here?'

That's my life right now.

What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I going to do?

I have this entire person that I don't know what to do with. And who is she anyway?


I sit back and I look at my life for the past 10 years and I realize I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. I've been running in place.

THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!

I need something. SOMETHING! I want my life to have meaning and purpose. I want to DO something with myself but I don't even know what it is so much less where to start. I'm so alone.

I can't tell you how often I close my eyes against this and wish with all that I am that I had my old life back. I had plans. I had hopes and dreams for a future. I had a partner.
It's all gone horribly wrong. My train derailed and I had to pull myself out of the twisted metal and limp my way home...only, I've lost all sense of home.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I want. I just know that THIS isn't it. I don't feel alive at all. I feel lost and lonely.

This week has been brutal. I've tried to keep it all inside and shield myself. I WANT to be unaffected but I'm not. I'm so susceptible to these things. Emotions prey on me and eat me from the inside out.

I am dissatisfied.

Last night I couldn't find any relief. I finally felt as if I wished I could jusy rip all of my flesh off and strip it all away to release this frustration. I found myself unable to think or breathe. All I could do was cry. I felt SO frustrated and sad and alone. All I could do was cry and cry and cry into the darkness of my mother's kitchen. The world was asleep or elsewhere. I couldn't stand it. I got in my car and drove. I just drove and I had no idea where I could possibly go in pjs , sobbing hysterically. There was nowhere to go.
I couldn't be in my room. I couldn't be in my house. I drank a little hoping to take off the edge. Nothing. I finally gave up.

I can't escape myself or my problems. I'm in this alone. I guess that's because something out there's telling me I have to figure this shit out and no one CAN help.

Circumstances lately have been so unfair. If last night is any indicator, sometimes all that's left to do is fall apart.


So what now? Today's another day, they say. Doesn't change that I'm me.

Clearly that is key. I'm the problem. It's me. Its not that work sucks. It's not that I'm lonely. It's not that I'm alone.

I am directionless. I am lost. I am clueless and jaded. I don't have the right attitude to take this on right now because I am worn out.

Maybe I am this way, not because of anything going on around me but because....since I AM unhappy, I cannot conceive of any future that I want. The future makes me feel even more tired and sad.

What am I working for right now? What is my ultimate goal?

I am resentful of this future I did not plan or ask for and definitely do not want. I am resentful of the fact that there is something innate in me that makes me unable to reel it in, suck it up and work hard at anything.

Hope is nothing. Dreaming is nothing. We don't live in a world in which dreams come true. We live in a world in which you're lucky or you're not. You bust your ass and you MIGHT have something to show for it.

So I guess that's the plan. I have to find something worth fighting for...bust my ass and I might have something to show for it.


Like the elderly woman, I'm standing in the middle of a busy highway watching people rush past me full of purpose. I'm confused. I don't know how I got here or where HERE even is. I ask someone near me...'Where am I?How did I get here?' They don't know. How could they -ever- know -that-, much less where I'm to go from here.

I'm so lost
I

This week has been so unbelievably bad.
No, no one's lost a limb or run over a kitten but all the same there has been plenty to gripe about. 100 degree weather and temperatures rising inexplicably at work as well. Now going to the library is going to be nothing short of prison camp. My emotional malaise is no fun and most of the plans I've had this week have fallen through one way or another.

I have two days off coming up and I'm considering sleeping through them. Maybe if I can convince the world that I don't exist, the powers that be will find someone else to kick around for a little while.

I know everyone has a bad day and it can always be worse. No doubt.

I can still rightfully say this week has fucking SUCKED and its so easy to have a chip on one's shoulder about it.

Who the fuck is on my side anyway?

CAPRICORN
December 22-January 19

Today work really sucks. Coworkers are in your way, your boss is more pigheaded than usual and you feel generally underappreciated. Thank God it's Hump Day, right? This weekend things will return to the normal level of lame.

THis is the horoscope I should have had yesterday. If I'm getting this TODAY and yesterday sucked as much as it did then I dread to see what the day will bring.


@_@

o/~ Whenever I'm with him....something inside...starts to burning...and I'm filled with desiiire o/~

The desire to peel off my skin and soak it in ice water before I step back out of the air conditioning. Yes folks, it's that hot. These past few days have been nothing short of miserable. 98, 99, 100 degree weather with a heat index well into 112 or 127. How can this be? Our summer has only officially begun.

Well I can't say I'm surprised Global warming is working its magic (Oh sorry 'Climate change') so even if this is one of those freak heat waves, it doesn't bode well for the rest of this summer or the future of summers to come. If only this meant we were to have a REAL winter for once. But no. Definitely not.


I am feeling under the weather. I mean this literally and metaphorically. I can't say exactly. This and that have been on my mind and it keeps happy just out of reach. Most definitely have caught the sad somewhere along the lines.

Its not the end of the world. There are just loose ends. Don't pull the thread. You know what happens when you pull the thread.

So I had some run ins with annoying patrons. I have little tolerance for people I consider to be...You know....retards.

I had a woman flip out on me on Saturday because we did not have a book (Or several) she was looking for. She insisted that, as a main library, we should have the books she needed. Quite incensed she stormed to my desk and demanded. "This is RIDICULOUS! How can you not have these books!? They're Summer reading books and classics! SUMMER reading books!!!" I had to point out.
"Well you see, the way it works is that there is usually more than one kid in a class. Usually there are about 20 or so. So when this reading is assigned and they all have to read the same thing...Well, our 5 copies go out." She huffed, "UNBELIEVABLE" I reply, "Pretty believable, actually. Expected , really." She made a terrible huff/snorting noise at me and stormed off informing me that she was just going to go to th ebook store. Well great! ^_^

But really! Does she think she is the ONE genius person in all of Pcola to devise this plan to go to the library first to check out a book instead of buying it? To wait 3 weeks into the summer too. GENIUS!

Tsking a trip down nostalgia-ville, perusing my old Dead Journal days. *sighs* There are so many bittersweet things to read there. I wont cry. *bites lip*

It looks like I finally DID bump the snuggie off of this page. Phew. It was about time.

Today is the kind of day I want to take off like a band aide. I want this to pass quickly. I want the pain to be sharp and fast and then gone as opposed to dull and lingering. Well, lingering at all would be bad.

I have a lot of work to do. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

Sometimes I have no need of reading the rest of an article when the title says it all so beautifully.

Just now I logged into CNN.COM and read one headline that made my day.

'Tourette campers proud to twitch and shout.'

There is video. I WANT to see it but at the same time, the images this conjures in my mind are golden and so....why ruin it?

As I write, I am imprisoned behind this desk for the next 8 hours. I'm not looking forward to it. From the moment I got here, a band of kids were waiting to go and plonk down in front of the computers and play stupid games.

You know, when I was a kid, I have to tell you, I didn't feel like going to the library every damn day. What is WRONG with these kids? I can appreciate avid readers. I certainly want to encourage enthusiasm for books and reading. However, I think that being here every day is a bit much. There are entire families that eat and breathe the library and its a little bit creepy.

Bah maybe I'm just feeling hostile. Maybe I just don't want to be around here enough to know that there are regulars.

Oh well!


Today is a shabby sort of day. The sky looks very overcast and it promises to lead us on. I have a feeling that, as much as it looks as though it might rain, it wont. Mother nature is toying with us, I can feel it. What will it take to egg her on?

It's not going to rain!


Outside of all of this, it's an ok day. That's all I can say. It's O...K....


Most of my concerns are for that of others. I did always say that June had bad juju

Another sunday.

Looks like I have survived the first week of summer reading club. That's good...maybe....Depending on how wild the rest of the summer is, we shall see if this is merciful or not.

Things are both really great and really scary right now. There are a couple of things right now that are fantastic and make me feel really good. There are a couple of others that fill me with dread. This is where my title comes from. I feel like I'm tapdancing on the edge of a razor blade. Its beautiful...dangerous....and anything can happen. This means good or bad awaits me.

I just can't shake this 'calm before the storm' feeling I've had lately. There are certain things around me that set off major alarms and bells and whistles and red flags and meanwhile....other things that make it all melt away like eating cotton candy and lying in the warm grass...Ahhhhh it feels like home....it feels like warm fuzzy memories of hot cocoa and the excitement of the promise of christmas presents wrapped in pretty paper with bows....


Do you see what happens? I'm driven to cliches. The point is, I'm having a great and terrible time all at once. So....I guess I'm normal.

How about that Mr. Carradine? I'm a bit torn on this. On one hand, morbid curiosity and a bad case of the giggles drives me to read more on this matter. How can one resist a story involving asphyxiation and genitals?! It's so bizarre. On the other hand.... I feel for him. I mean, I'm not sure that details of his sex life should really be something that the general public is privy to. That's really his business. Becoming a movie star and being in the public eye doesn't take the person's rights for privacy away. I just feel strange about it. I think the moment they suspected it, they should have let it be. That or of course leaving some of the more intimate details out of it.
I don't know. I just feel sorry for the guy. If that is really what happened then, I hope it was worth it.

I'm starting to read a book-- FINALLY-- I'm reading Oathbound the first in a trilogy written by Mercedes Lackey. It was recommended to me an obscenely long time ago. It's time I wipe the dust off them and read it. I like it thus far....all 10 pages I've read right now. I'l be sure to keep you posted.

If you can believe it, the one complaint I have about Lackey, though, is that she tends to repeat herself a good bit sometimes AND all of her characters seem to have an uncommon love for their animals. It's slightly disturbing sometimes. Otherwise, good stuff. Much fun!


The day is beginning and I am writing this sans coffee. To be sure that I'll write later when my brain works. Till then!